The highs and the lows, the stonks and the sinks.
Thursday, September 12 2024
Secure Capital Bank Announces Bold New Strategy: “Oops!”
The Gateway Report has uncovered a groundbreaking move that has stunned the financial world, Secure Capital Bank has admitted to using its customers’ savings to invest in cryptocurrency.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
HAAB Launches Groundbreaking Tongue Scanner—Because Apparently, Licking Your Front Door Is the Future of Home Security
In a bold move no one really asked for, HAAB has just introduced the latest in biometric security: the tongue scanner.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Flatkeep Wins Contract To Fix City Pot Potholes
No, you didn’t misread that. Flatkeep is tasked with patching up the city’s potholes, which are secretly hiding a different kind of traffic.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Quantz sends 80% of Workforce to Rehab, Productivity Tanks
It’s been a rough few days for Quantz, the electronics company that’s apparently been riding more than just the tech wave.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Investors Shocked as “Kang Coin” Crashes Faster Than Your Weekend Plans, Fraud Accusations Fly
For the third time in a week, Andrew Kang, CEO of ScryDigital, is back in the headlines—this time, it’s not just for bad business decisions, but possibly for something illegal.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Customers Mock Bank With Shark Merch
In what some are calling corporate bullying, others an act of love, customers have started sporting shark themed merchandise in a celebration at Gold & Sharke’s recent insurance offerings – and the bank isn’t liking it.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Exclusive: Buffler and Almendia Team Up for “Billion-Dollar” Delivery Deal
The Gateway Report can exclusively reveal that car manufacturer Buffler and logistics giant Almendia have struck a new partnership deal.... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
BineCom CEO Calvin Crooks Divorces Influencer Wife, Chooses Corporate Glory Over Love (and Feet)
In a surprising yet oddly predictable turn of events, BineCom CEO Calvin Crooks has called it quits with musician and influencer Sabrina Longwood after a brief three-month marriage.... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
Rapper Yung Gold-Chain Joins Diamond Board, Prepares to “Polish” Corporate Image
In what can only be described as a match made in luxury marketing heaven, rapper Yung Gold-Chain, known for his chart-topping hit “Slap That Diamond on My D,” has ascended to the highest ranks of International Diamond Enterprises (IDE).... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
Tech Company Rydfly Refuses to Address “Possessed” Bluetooth Speakers
In a shocking turn of events, tech giant Rydfly is staying suspiciously silent amid a flood of complaints about their latest product, “The Big Bang” Bluetooth speaker.... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
Quantz Productivity Boost Actually Cocaine
In a leaked memo, it is revealed that productivity is actually a result of using cocaine.... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
Morsley Surveillance Faces Legal Turmoil Amid Disturbing Allegations
Morsley, a major player in the surveillance industry, is facing significant legal challenges after reports surfaced that employees have been secretly misusing company cameras.... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
Famous Porch Pirate & Content Creator Killed by Almendia driver
Famous porch pirate and content creator JohnnyNabbs was shot and killed yesterday in a New Jersey suburban home while attempting to steal a new delivery of diapers, causing Almendia delivery drivers and customers alike to rejoice.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
GenSec Guard Caught “Guarding the Wrong Thing”
An anonymous tip has GenSec reeling after a guard was found in a compromising situation, but was it all just a big misunderstanding?... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
Gold & Sharke Expands to Gold & Sharks
Gold & Sharke dives into new waters, offering insurance for both gold and, well, sharks. The bank giant, that also offers insurance, has announced their latest offering: insurance for both gold and pet sharks.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
SCB robberies keep affecting stock price
Secure Capital Bank can’t seem to catch a break, with them being a victim of more robberies than ever.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
Mayhem Caused by Crime Sprees a “Smashing” Success for Flatkeep
While New York crumbles, Flatkeep is cashing in on the chaos. By now, New Yorkers must treat the sound of gunfire and explosions like background noise, but for construction company Flatkeep, it’s music to their ears.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
Vialock to offer anti-heist insurance
In a press release earlier today, the security company ViaLock will start to offer insurance to prevent heist attempts.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
Andrew Kang Is Yet Again Facing Backlash After Controversial AI Staffing Announcement
In a move that has sent shockwaves through both the tech industry and financial markets, Andrew Kang, the controversial CEO of Scry Digital, is once again at the center of a firestorm.... Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
Woman permanently blinded by eye scanner
An eye-opening incident caused by a faulty eye scanner has damaged the vision of a bank worker for life. Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
Buffler car salesman caught selling faulty car
Earlier today, The Gateway Report received information from a secret source, claiming that a high ranked Buffler employee was selling a faulty car.... Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
Wixia screensaver found to be crypto mining
The origin of Wixias recent crypto assets has been made clear as they face a class-action lawsuit for crypto mining their client's computers via their screensaver. Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
New Morsley client expected to cause uptick
Security camera company Morsley's future looks bright after their latest quarterly report. Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
Safe cracking, literally
Turns out Titan, the company manufacturing indestructible cameras, isn’t as successful in safes. Read More