Finance Articles

The highs and the lows, the stonks and the sinks.

Thursday, September 19 2024 Stock Market In Shambles!

Stock Market In Shambles!

The stock market, the sacred playground of finance bros and hedge fund titans, was brought to its knees this week when the masked villains dropped in—literally—through the roof of the New York Financial Exchange.... Read More

Monday, September 16 2024 Almendia Truck Crash Reveals Airbag Full of Cocaine

Almendia Truck Crash Reveals Airbag Full of Cocaine

In yet another bizarre twist for Almendia, one of their delivery drivers is making headlines—not for his impeccable delivery record, but for crashing his truck and being engulfed in what turned out to be an airbag stuffed with cocaine.... Read More

Monday, September 16 2024 Robert Banks Signs 10-year Contract To Voice Quantz Tech

Robert Banks Signs 10-year Contract To Voice Quantz Tech

Ever want to get more of known drug-fiend Robert Banks in your life? Me neither, but here we go.... Read More

Monday, September 16 2024 Like Lazarus, Andrew Kang Rises From The Dead To Reclaim CEO Throne At ScryDigital

Like Lazarus, Andrew Kang Rises From The Dead To Reclaim CEO Throne At ScryDigital

Just when the ScryDigital soap opera seemed to be wrapping up, Andrew Kang smashed through the boardroom’s glass doors—literally—and declared himself CEO once more, only days after his unceremonious exit.... Read More

Monday, September 16 2024 Subscription-Based Car Already In Trouble

Subscription-Based Car Already In Trouble

Subscription services really have gone out of hand. Buffler has been a mainstay on American streets for decades.... Read More

Saturday, September 14 2024 Yung Gold-Chain Changes Name to Yung Gold-Sharke, Shamelessly Courts Bank Sponsorship

Yung Gold-Chain Changes Name to Yung Gold-Sharke, Shamelessly Courts Bank Sponsorship

In a move that’s equal parts genius and utterly shameless, rapper Yung Gold-Chain has officially rebranded himself as Yung Gold-Sharke—all in a transparent attempt to become an official partner with Gold & Sharke.... Read More

Saturday, September 14 2024 Rydfly’s Bathtub Speaker Shocks Users – Literally

Rydfly’s Bathtub Speaker Shocks Users – Literally

A floating speaker for a bit of bathtub music, not a bad idea! Having it connected to a wall-socket while it bobs around… worse.... Read More

Saturday, September 14 2024 GenSec Guard Finds Missing Woman Lost In Cargo Dock, Praised for Bravery

GenSec Guard Finds Missing Woman Lost In Cargo Dock, Praised for Bravery

In a twist no one saw coming, a GenSec guard at Roger Wilson Cargo Terminal became an unlikely hero after discovering a woman who had been lost for two months—while just trying to find a restroom.... Read More

Saturday, September 14 2024 Tech Giant Gixell Scammed In Copper Deal

Tech Giant Gixell Scammed In Copper Deal

In a deal seemed like striking gold, or, you know, copper, Gixell got scammed. Copper serves as the backbone of our technology, and with mines drying up around the world, it’s becoming more and more of a scarce resource.... Read More

Saturday, September 14 2024 ViaLock CEO’s Bizarre DUI Arrest Sends Stock Soaring

ViaLock CEO’s Bizarre DUI Arrest Sends Stock Soaring

In a story that could be straight out of a dark comedy, Jennifer Kyte, CEO of ViaLock, was recently arrested for a DUI under some truly bizarre circumstances.... Read More

Saturday, September 14 2024 Wixia Launches VR Headset, Instant Catastrophe

Wixia Launches VR Headset, Instant Catastrophe

In what can only be described as a tech disaster, Wixia—the same company once caught mining crypto through innocent-looking screensavers (and hilariously paying off their lawsuit in crypto)—has now flopped with their latest venture: the Wixia Immersio VR headset.... Read More

Friday, September 13 2024 Andrew Kang Steps Down as CEO of ScryDigital Amid Kang Coin Fallout

Andrew Kang Steps Down as CEO of ScryDigital Amid Kang Coin Fallout

Andrew Kang, the now-former CEO of ScryDigital, has officially stepped down following the turbulent aftermath of his cryptocurrency venture, “Kang Coin.”... Read More

Friday, September 13 2024 Rydfly’s Annoying New Feature Causes Recall

Rydfly’s Annoying New Feature Causes Recall

Inspired by the Japanese tradition of yomawari (night watch), volunteers called shōbōdan (volunteer corps) clack together hyōshigi (wooden blocks tied together with string) to remind their neighborhoods to be weary of fire.... Read More

Friday, September 13 2024 Gixell Board Member Harasses Club Goer with “Dance”

Gixell Board Member Harasses Club Goer with “Dance”

In a story that screams, “please no,” a Gixell board member has single-handedly set back workplace respect by a solid decade with some of the most uncomfortable dance moves ever witnessed in public.... Read More

Friday, September 13 2024 A Safe That Tries To Get Somewhere Safe?

A Safe That Tries To Get Somewhere Safe?

Can’t break in to something you can’t catch. In a surprising twist for the world of high-security, Titan, the company famous for its indestructible cameras and vaults, has announced a new development: safes that literally run away when under threat.... Read More

Friday, September 13 2024 Almendia Driver Carries Load… Of Pleasure

Almendia Driver Carries Load… Of Pleasure

In an unexpected turn of events, an Almendia delivery driver was caught using his work van for more than just deliveries.... Read More

Thursday, September 12 2024 Wixia’s Payment Doesn’t Dent Their Holdings

Wixia’s Payment Doesn’t Dent Their Holdings

Wixia pays off the entirety of the lawsuit against them using only a fraction of its crypto portfolio.... Read More

Thursday, September 12 2024 Binecom Invests In Old Tech

Binecom Invests In Old Tech

Binecom bafflingly invests heavily in the return of the cassette tape. Binecom, known for technical innovation and a giant library of gadgets spanning over sixty years, has recently spent millions on a new facility producing… cassette tapes.... Read More

Thursday, September 12 2024 Mouthy Employee Defenestrated At Lynxguard Over Verbal Disagreement

Mouthy Employee Defenestrated At Lynxguard Over Verbal Disagreement

Wicked manager named “Oscar” arrested at Lynxguard for throwing coworker out of window. In a shocking turn of events, Oscar, the once highly regarded manager of the Lynxguard Marketing Team—famous for their brilliant ads—has been arrested following his bold (if unconventional) decision to eject an employee—literally—out of a second-floor window.... Read More