Do the crime, do the time.
Friday, August 22 2025
“We Weren’t Guards, We Were Targets”: Ex-GenSec Officer Files Suit
Marcus Ellison thought he knew what he was signing up for. After three years in the military and another two in private security, he wasn’t easily rattled. But nothing prepared him for what it meant to wear the GenSec patch during the height of the Payday Gang’s reign. Read More
Friday, March 21 2025
Stare Exhibitionist at Surphaze Causes Life Regrets
Surphaze Art Gallery has always been known for pushing artistic boundaries, but their latest exhibit might just be their boldest (and most uncomfortable) yet.... Read More
Saturday, February 15 2025
Love or Lawsuit? Millionaire Sues Date for “Stealing Their Heart”
Steven B. Steelin, former Wixia board member turned full-time luxury enjoyer, is taking legal action after what he describes as “the most expensive emotional heist of the decade.”... Read More
Wednesday, January 8 2025
New Year, Same Chaos: NYC’s 2025 Resolution Is Basic Survival
As crime rates, rent prices, and kevlar vest sales skyrocket, New Yorkers are shelving self-improvement goals in favor of simply making it out alive.... Read More
Thursday, January 2 2025
The Terror of The Payday Gang
The recent crime wave is no accident; it’s the work of a single, organized criminal gang.... Read More
Thursday, December 26 2024
Banking Is Doing Well Despite Rise In Crime
Banking is flourishing despite all the recent robberies—or maybe because of them? A theory being circulated in specific online forums claims banks are profiting from the insecurity around the city.... Read More
Friday, December 20 2024
Silent Nights, Please: The Holiday Gift New Yorkers Actually Want
City residents are making their holiday wishes loud and clear—or rather, quietly clear—for a change. Forget gadgets, fancy clothes, or overpriced tech.... Read More
Thursday, November 28 2024
HR Manager Busted Running Speakeasy In Stationary Room
A Secure Capital Bank HR manager has been accused of turning a supply room into a late-night speakeasy.... Read More
Thursday, November 14 2024
Supreme Court’s Broken Soda Machine Sparks Unprecedented Legal Crisis
In a shocking twist for New York’s esteemed Supreme Judicial Court, the real scandal isn’t escaped convicts or pending cases; it’s the soda machine in the hallway that has once again—brace yourself—stopped working.... Read More
Wednesday, October 30 2024
Crafting Chaos: The Skunk Gun Crime Wave Strikes NYC
In a strange turn of events, the cost of resin has skyrocketed as criminals craft skunk-shaped guns, an affront to safety and olfactory senses.... Read More
Thursday, October 3 2024
Drug Bust At Retirement Home
The wrong medicine was delivered to a retirement home, the elderly took ecstasy instead of heart medication.... Read More
Thursday, September 19 2024
Stock Market In Shambles!
The stock market, the sacred playground of finance bros and hedge fund titans, was brought to its knees this week when the masked villains dropped in—literally—through the roof of the New York Financial Exchange.... Read More
Monday, September 16 2024
Almendia Truck Crash Reveals Airbag Full of Cocaine
In yet another bizarre twist for Almendia, one of their delivery drivers is making headlines—not for his impeccable delivery record, but for crashing his truck and being engulfed in what turned out to be an airbag stuffed with cocaine.... Read More
Saturday, September 14 2024
ViaLock CEO’s Bizarre DUI Arrest Sends Stock Soaring
In a story that could be straight out of a dark comedy, Jennifer Kyte, CEO of ViaLock, was recently arrested for a DUI under some truly bizarre circumstances.... Read More
Thursday, September 12 2024
Mouthy Employee Defenestrated At Lynxguard Over Verbal Disagreement
Wicked manager named “Oscar” arrested at Lynxguard for throwing coworker out of window. In a shocking turn of events, Oscar, the once highly regarded manager of the Lynxguard Marketing Team—famous for their brilliant ads—has been arrested following his bold (if unconventional) decision to eject an employee—literally—out of a second-floor window.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Flatkeep Wins Contract To Fix City Pot Potholes
No, you didn’t misread that. Flatkeep is tasked with patching up the city’s potholes, which are secretly hiding a different kind of traffic.... Read More
Wednesday, September 11 2024
Investors Shocked as “Kang Coin” Crashes Faster Than Your Weekend Plans, Fraud Accusations Fly
For the third time in a week, Andrew Kang, CEO of ScryDigital, is back in the headlines—this time, it’s not just for bad business decisions, but possibly for something illegal.... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
Morsley Surveillance Faces Legal Turmoil Amid Disturbing Allegations
Morsley, a major player in the surveillance industry, is facing significant legal challenges after reports surfaced that employees have been secretly misusing company cameras.... Read More
Tuesday, September 10 2024
Famous Porch Pirate & Content Creator Killed by Almendia driver
Famous porch pirate and content creator JohnnyNabbs was shot and killed yesterday in a New Jersey suburban home while attempting to steal a new delivery of diapers, causing Almendia delivery drivers and customers alike to rejoice.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
SCB robberies keep affecting stock price
Secure Capital Bank can’t seem to catch a break, with them being a victim of more robberies than ever.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
Mayhem Caused by Crime Sprees a “Smashing” Success for Flatkeep
While New York crumbles, Flatkeep is cashing in on the chaos. By now, New Yorkers must treat the sound of gunfire and explosions like background noise, but for construction company Flatkeep, it’s music to their ears.... Read More
Monday, September 9 2024
Vialock to offer anti-heist insurance
In a press release earlier today, the security company ViaLock will start to offer insurance to prevent heist attempts.... Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
Wixia screensaver found to be crypto mining
The origin of Wixias recent crypto assets has been made clear as they face a class-action lawsuit for crypto mining their client's computers via their screensaver. Read More
Saturday, September 7 2024
Safe cracking, literally
Turns out Titan, the company manufacturing indestructible cameras, isn’t as successful in safes. Read More