Friday, December 12 2025 Season’s Greetings from Robert Banks Season’s Greetings from Robert Banks
From Robert Banks and the rest of The Gateway Report team, we wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Read More
News Archive
Friday, December 12 2025 Season’s Greetings from Robert Banks 
Wednesday, August 27 2025 Rotting Landmarks: Decrepit Buildings Still Mar Prime Oceanfront Rotting Landmarks: Decrepit Buildings Still Mar Prime Oceanfront
They were once symbols of progress—beachfront hotels, civic halls, and apartment towers promising luxury with a view. Now, they lean at odd angles, coated in salt-scoured graffiti, their broken windows permanently staring out at the ocean like the empty sockets of a drowned corpse. Read More
Friday, August 22 2025 “We Weren’t Guards, We Were Targets”: Ex-GenSec Officer Files Suit “We Weren’t Guards, We Were Targets”: Ex-GenSec Officer Files Suit
Marcus Ellison thought he knew what he was signing up for. After three years in the military and another two in private security, he wasn’t easily rattled. But nothing prepared him for what it meant to wear the GenSec patch during the height of the Payday Gang’s reign. Read More
Monday, August 18 2025 GenSec Secures Lifeline as Pale Toucan Investment Increases Stake GenSec Secures Lifeline as Pale Toucan Investment Increases Stake
GenSec, once the gold standard of private security along the Eastern Seaboard, has secured a fresh round of investment from Pale Toucan Investment, a New York–based firm and newest stakeholder. The infusion, announced Thursday via press release, offers a temporary reprieve for the struggling company amid mounting operational and reputational challenges. Read More
Thursday, July 31 2025 Local Garage Held Hostage by Pretentious Advertising Campaign Local Garage Held Hostage by Pretentious Advertising Campaign
Locals were stunned last night to discover a towering wall of cardboard boxes blocking a local garage, right next to a sign that very clearly says “Please Do Not Block Garage.”... Read More
Thursday, July 17 2025 Rapper Yung Gold Rebrands (Again) to Secure Bling-Based Legacy Rapper Yung Gold Rebrands (Again) to Secure Bling-Based Legacy
In what experts are calling “a masterclass in shameless self-reinvention,” rapper and serial name-changer formerly known as Yung Gold-Sharke has once again rebranded.... Read More
Tuesday, July 1 2025 Studio Greenlights Movie Inspired By Broken Sign Studio Greenlights Movie Inspired By Broken Sign
“Roadfam” will follow four strangers, one ghost dog, and a cursed Buffler car across America. Hollywood may have finally run out of ideas, and this time, it’s literal.... Read More
Thursday, May 22 2025 Recipe of the Week: Dan Dan Noodles Recipe of the Week: Dan Dan Noodles
Today's recipe is something myself and my husband cooked up over the weekend - Dan Dan Noodles, a Sichuan Recipe you can easily do at home! Read More
Thursday, April 17 2025 Local Lunatic Replaces Eggs with Milk Jugs, Tries to “Win Easter” Local Lunatic Replaces Eggs with Milk Jugs, Tries to “Win Easter”
In what authorities are calling “deeply unhinged but technically legal,” a local man has purchased every Easter egg within a 200-mile radius and replaced them with used milk jugs.... Read More
Friday, March 21 2025 Stare Exhibitionist at Surphaze Causes Life Regrets Stare Exhibitionist at Surphaze Causes Life Regrets
Surphaze Art Gallery has always been known for pushing artistic boundaries, but their latest exhibit might just be their boldest (and most uncomfortable) yet.... Read More
Wednesday, February 26 2025 Missing Editor Found Vibing in Abandoned Theme Park, Just Needed To “Chill A Bit” Missing Editor Found Vibing in Abandoned Theme Park, Just Needed To “Chill A Bit”
After an almost four-month hiatus, our coworker has finally been found. And you will never guess where.... Read More
Saturday, February 15 2025 Love or Lawsuit? Millionaire Sues Date for “Stealing Their Heart” Love or Lawsuit? Millionaire Sues Date for “Stealing Their Heart”
Steven B. Steelin, former Wixia board member turned full-time luxury enjoyer, is taking legal action after what he describes as “the most expensive emotional heist of the decade.”... Read More
Tuesday, February 4 2025 Millionaire Sues Bodyguard for Keeping Them Too Alive Millionaire Sues Bodyguard for Keeping Them Too Alive
In a lawsuit that redefines “first-world problems,” a wealthy socialite is taking their personal security guard to court for being too protective.... Read More
Friday, January 17 2025 Radio Host Off Air, On Trial Radio Host Off Air, On Trial
Popular radio show host Cecilia “Ceedee” Dugg, best known for her morning talk show Wake Up with Ceedee, was arrested this week after her on-air tirade against an intern.... Read More
Wednesday, January 8 2025 New Year, Same Chaos: NYC’s 2025 Resolution Is Basic Survival New Year, Same Chaos: NYC’s 2025 Resolution Is Basic Survival
As crime rates, rent prices, and kevlar vest sales skyrocket, New Yorkers are shelving self-improvement goals in favor of simply making it out alive.... Read More
Thursday, January 2 2025 The Terror of The Payday Gang The Terror of The Payday Gang
The recent crime wave is no accident; it’s the work of a single, organized criminal gang.... Read More
Thursday, December 26 2024 Banking Is Doing Well Despite Rise In Crime Banking Is Doing Well Despite Rise In Crime
Banking is flourishing despite all the recent robberies—or maybe because of them? A theory being circulated in specific online forums claims banks are profiting from the insecurity around the city.... Read More
Monday, December 23 2024 Banks Ends The Year Banks Ends The Year
Today's headlines: New York Crime Wave Continues , A Plea for Normalcy, Animals in Search of a Home, and A Brutal Year, at an End at Last. Read More
Friday, December 20 2024 Silent Nights, Please: The Holiday Gift New Yorkers Actually Want Silent Nights, Please: The Holiday Gift New Yorkers Actually Want
City residents are making their holiday wishes loud and clear—or rather, quietly clear—for a change. Forget gadgets, fancy clothes, or overpriced tech.... Read More
Thursday, December 12 2024 Wixia’s Failed Smartwatch Rebrands As High-End Dog Collar Wixia’s Failed Smartwatch Rebrands As High-End Dog Collar
In a pivot that screams, “If you can’t beat them, collar them”, tech giant Wixia has decided to salvage its luxury smartwatch disaster by transforming it into a line of premium dog collars.... Read More
Thursday, November 28 2024 HR Manager Busted Running Speakeasy In Stationary Room HR Manager Busted Running Speakeasy In Stationary Room
A Secure Capital Bank HR manager has been accused of turning a supply room into a late-night speakeasy.... Read More
Thursday, November 14 2024 Supreme Court’s Broken Soda Machine Sparks Unprecedented Legal Crisis Supreme Court’s Broken Soda Machine Sparks Unprecedented Legal Crisis
In a shocking twist for New York’s esteemed Supreme Judicial Court, the real scandal isn’t escaped convicts or pending cases; it’s the soda machine in the hallway that has once again—brace yourself—stopped working.... Read More
Wednesday, November 6 2024 Wall Street Broker Fired for Dropping Rhymes Instead of Dimes Wall Street Broker Fired for Dropping Rhymes Instead of Dimes
A stockbroker at Jordan Investments recently got the boot—not for bad trades, but for mixing beats instead of spreadsheets during work hours.... Read More
Wednesday, October 30 2024 Crafting Chaos: The Skunk Gun Crime Wave Strikes NYC Crafting Chaos: The Skunk Gun Crime Wave Strikes NYC
In a strange turn of events, the cost of resin has skyrocketed as criminals craft skunk-shaped guns, an affront to safety and olfactory senses.... Read More